Thursday, September 17, 2009
a small story
"'Don't punish yourself,' she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing." - Markus Zusak
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Inheritance of Loss Part II
I've wanted to write this blog for awhile (since the day after my original post on this topic), and I've put it off for two reasons. 1.) My internet got shut off, and I haven't had a chance to get it restored yet. 2.) I think that my original post reflected what I needed to say at the time, although it wasn't exactly what I wanted to say when I started writing it.
First of all, I didn't exactly exPLAIN what it was that I wasn't going to do in my current blog that I had done in previous blogs and that is write about quotes and songs and stuff that inspires me or touches me in some way. It was sort of a trademark of my other blog, and although it was a helpful tool to get me writing at times, it sort of became a crutch, so I was trying to avoid the practice, but I've decided that hey, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want.
Secondly, what I wrote is true, or WAS true at the time I wrote it. What is equally true is that the passage I included in that post is much more meaningful than I indicated and is about more than just some silly drama between two individuals, although it is about that as well.
On that particular day, the passage burrowed into my heart for the reason I previously stated, but I think that it resonated with me on a deeper level too. There is this "spiritual" element to my life that I've recently been attempting to examine. For a long time, I shunned the whole concept of god, religion, spirituality, and anything having to do with those topics because I had decided that I really didn't believe in any of it. And I still don't - at least not in the "traditional" (read Judeo-Christian) sense.
But I have decided that there is a possibility that I rejected the entire concept too hastily instead of simply modifying my initial idea of - you know - god thing.
I've kind of started to direct my energy at the universe and see what happens. So far, so good. It's not like I'm praying, or maybe I am, but I think I've just been trying to channel my energy in ways that I think are productive and focus my thoughts on those types of things as well - some people have referenced The Secret when I've discussed it with them, but I've never read The Secret nor have I seen the film, so I'm not sure it's the same thing, but regardless, I think it works for me.
But the fact remains that this particular passage from The Inheritance of Loss is still pertinent. There is just too much complexity in this world for things to make sense on a small scale to one person - at least to make sense in our made-up view of how justice works. Justice may actually exist, but the chances that we will be around to see it in action are pretty much nil.
As far as the relationship I referenced goes, I haven't decided to end it. Not really. To a certain extent, I've made the decision not to think about it as a complete entity yet, but I'm not letting that ruin my life either.
For the time being, I'm just hoping it's on hold. Maybe it's just that I can't see the big picture yet. Maybe I'm in denial. But I'm just not ready to make a decision that final.
I've always had this vision in my mind of how relationships work: everyone is born in a little canoe, and we are all floating downstream in our canoes. We may like to think that we are in charge of rowing, but ultimately, the current of the stream is just too strong for us to control. The stream takes us where it will. Sometimes we float alongside someone for a long time and when the river steers us off in a different direction, we may resist it. But the more we resist the current, the more we struggle against it, the weaker we will become and eventually we will not be able to see the path we are meant to be on because all our energy is focused on trying to catch someone else's drift. I think it's very difficult to stay in your canoe facing forward when faced with this situation. It's hard to remember the beauty of the stream itself. If the river decides, the canoes will eventually float back together. Until then all we can do is enjoy it.
First of all, I didn't exactly exPLAIN what it was that I wasn't going to do in my current blog that I had done in previous blogs and that is write about quotes and songs and stuff that inspires me or touches me in some way. It was sort of a trademark of my other blog, and although it was a helpful tool to get me writing at times, it sort of became a crutch, so I was trying to avoid the practice, but I've decided that hey, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want.
Secondly, what I wrote is true, or WAS true at the time I wrote it. What is equally true is that the passage I included in that post is much more meaningful than I indicated and is about more than just some silly drama between two individuals, although it is about that as well.
On that particular day, the passage burrowed into my heart for the reason I previously stated, but I think that it resonated with me on a deeper level too. There is this "spiritual" element to my life that I've recently been attempting to examine. For a long time, I shunned the whole concept of god, religion, spirituality, and anything having to do with those topics because I had decided that I really didn't believe in any of it. And I still don't - at least not in the "traditional" (read Judeo-Christian) sense.
But I have decided that there is a possibility that I rejected the entire concept too hastily instead of simply modifying my initial idea of - you know - god thing.
I've kind of started to direct my energy at the universe and see what happens. So far, so good. It's not like I'm praying, or maybe I am, but I think I've just been trying to channel my energy in ways that I think are productive and focus my thoughts on those types of things as well - some people have referenced The Secret when I've discussed it with them, but I've never read The Secret nor have I seen the film, so I'm not sure it's the same thing, but regardless, I think it works for me.
But the fact remains that this particular passage from The Inheritance of Loss is still pertinent. There is just too much complexity in this world for things to make sense on a small scale to one person - at least to make sense in our made-up view of how justice works. Justice may actually exist, but the chances that we will be around to see it in action are pretty much nil.
As far as the relationship I referenced goes, I haven't decided to end it. Not really. To a certain extent, I've made the decision not to think about it as a complete entity yet, but I'm not letting that ruin my life either.
For the time being, I'm just hoping it's on hold. Maybe it's just that I can't see the big picture yet. Maybe I'm in denial. But I'm just not ready to make a decision that final.
I've always had this vision in my mind of how relationships work: everyone is born in a little canoe, and we are all floating downstream in our canoes. We may like to think that we are in charge of rowing, but ultimately, the current of the stream is just too strong for us to control. The stream takes us where it will. Sometimes we float alongside someone for a long time and when the river steers us off in a different direction, we may resist it. But the more we resist the current, the more we struggle against it, the weaker we will become and eventually we will not be able to see the path we are meant to be on because all our energy is focused on trying to catch someone else's drift. I think it's very difficult to stay in your canoe facing forward when faced with this situation. It's hard to remember the beauty of the stream itself. If the river decides, the canoes will eventually float back together. Until then all we can do is enjoy it.
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