The Inheritance of Loss Part II

I've wanted to write this blog for awhile (since the day after my original post on this topic), and I've put it off for two reasons. 1.) My internet got shut off, and I haven't had a chance to get it restored yet. 2.) I think that my original post reflected what I needed to say at the time, although it wasn't exactly what I wanted to say when I started writing it.

First of all, I didn't exactly exPLAIN what it was that I wasn't going to do in my current blog that I had done in previous blogs and that is write about quotes and songs and stuff that inspires me or touches me in some way. It was sort of a trademark of my other blog, and although it was a helpful tool to get me writing at times, it sort of became a crutch, so I was trying to avoid the practice, but I've decided that hey, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want.

Secondly, what I wrote is true, or WAS true at the time I wrote it. What is equally true is that the passage I included in that post is much more meaningful than I indicated and is about more than just some silly drama between two individuals, although it is about that as well.

On that particular day, the passage burrowed into my heart for the reason I previously stated, but I think that it resonated with me on a deeper level too. There is this "spiritual" element to my life that I've recently been attempting to examine. For a long time, I shunned the whole concept of god, religion, spirituality, and anything having to do with those topics because I had decided that I really didn't believe in any of it. And I still don't - at least not in the "traditional" (read Judeo-Christian) sense.

But I have decided that there is a possibility that I rejected the entire concept too hastily instead of simply modifying my initial idea of - you know - god thing.

I've kind of started to direct my energy at the universe and see what happens. So far, so good. It's not like I'm praying, or maybe I am, but I think I've just been trying to channel my energy in ways that I think are productive and focus my thoughts on those types of things as well - some people have referenced The Secret when I've discussed it with them, but I've never read The Secret nor have I seen the film, so I'm not sure it's the same thing, but regardless, I think it works for me.

But the fact remains that this particular passage from The Inheritance of Loss is still pertinent. There is just too much complexity in this world for things to make sense on a small scale to one person - at least to make sense in our made-up view of how justice works. Justice may actually exist, but the chances that we will be around to see it in action are pretty much nil.

As far as the relationship I referenced goes, I haven't decided to end it. Not really. To a certain extent, I've made the decision not to think about it as a complete entity yet, but I'm not letting that ruin my life either.

For the time being, I'm just hoping it's on hold. Maybe it's just that I can't see the big picture yet. Maybe I'm in denial. But I'm just not ready to make a decision that final.

I've always had this vision in my mind of how relationships work: everyone is born in a little canoe, and we are all floating downstream in our canoes. We may like to think that we are in charge of rowing, but ultimately, the current of the stream is just too strong for us to control. The stream takes us where it will. Sometimes we float alongside someone for a long time and when the river steers us off in a different direction, we may resist it. But the more we resist the current, the more we struggle against it, the weaker we will become and eventually we will not be able to see the path we are meant to be on because all our energy is focused on trying to catch someone else's drift. I think it's very difficult to stay in your canoe facing forward when faced with this situation. It's hard to remember the beauty of the stream itself. If the river decides, the canoes will eventually float back together. Until then all we can do is enjoy it.

The Inheritance of Loss

I've been trying not to do this too much since it was extremely indicative of my previous blog, but I'm going to bite the bullet since I think it's kind of indicative of my style in general and not to include the following (and I'm sure many posts to come) would mean a decision to omit a large part of what inspires me from my blog, which seems, you know, couterproductive and wrong.

So I'm reading this book called The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai, a strikingly beautiful Indian-American woman. Her language is very poetic throughout the novel, and there are very many passages that have struck me profoundly, but there was one that I read today that I felt I had to share. The following passage is an observation by the author made after some of the characters discuss the relative virtues of different religions in their ideas of what ultimately means justice i.e. the afterlife or karma, etc.:

The fact was that one was left empty-handed. There was no system to soothe the unfairness of things; justice was without scope; it might snag the stealer of chickens, but great evasive crimes would have to be dismissed because, if identified and netted, they would bring down the entire structure of so-called civilization. For crimes that took place in the monstrous dealings between nations, for crimes that took place in those intimate spaces between two people without a witness, for these crimes the guilty would never pay. There was no religion and no government that would relieve the hell.

This particular passage means something to me today because I have recently been carrying around a mountain of hurt on my shoulders as a result of the breakdown of what I considered an important relationship in my life. I saw it coming from a mile away, but I was desperately hoping that I would be proven wrong in this instance. The sheer scope of instances in which I was to blame for this situation is seemingly endless, but ultimately there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome.

And that is the most bitter pill to take.

In this particular situation, the crime perpetrated by two individuals against each other will never be judged by an impartial witness. There is no way to measure and balance out the damage that was done by each party over the long course of time.

The only truth I've been able to find is in silence. The more I talk and think and write about it, the more confusing it becomes for me, and it does not bring me peace.

The only thing I can do to relieve myself of this hell is to make the decision for it to end. But that brings with it another inherent burden. It will have been my choice. And once it is made, I don't think I can unmake it.

I know it's the love I can't bear to part with more than its object.

It's the Heart That Matters More

I've been making a vain attempt over the last few days at posting some blogs that I've failed to post in the past as a result of them not being ready for publication because I was either too unsure or too lazy to post them at the time. They've gotten gummy with time and sort of unflexible in a way, and I'm thinking of trashing them entirely and moving on.

There is a part of me that wonders if when blogs get too old if it's best to let them just expire in a natural way rather than trying to relive them; forcing them back into being by trying to breathe life into them. Perhaps a life they're all to happy to let pass.

Or maybe it's that I've never given them a fair shake at life. Perhaps I need to reexamine what I was feeling and thinking at the time I began them. Maybe I was wrong about those blogs to begin with and all they need is a little time to ferment before they can reach their peak of flavor and richness.

Speaking of wine, I've had a bit this evening, so perhaps it's clouding my judgment. However, I do not think it is quite time to dispose of my dear friends just yet. They may yet have something to say. Something I'm not quite ready to discount. You never know. Sometimes the things closest to you have the capacity to surprise you even after you've known them for years.

Like that one time in My So-Called Life when Graham tells Patty that RuPaul strikes him as being pretty secure.

Okay, if you've never seen My So-Called Life, you probably aren't cool enough to be reading my blog.