Coming back to life after a long hibernation takes a lot of committment. Most creatures think that once springtime rolls around, the bears and bees and birds are suddenly skipping through green fields full of wildflowers after a long and peaceful nap.
And honestly I'm not sure if this is the case or if it isn't, but for the purpose of this post, we'll assume that waking from hibernation is a long, arduous and potentially painful process during which the bears think to themselves, "remind me again why I can't just stay asleep? I was warm and comfortable and I was having this great dream where I was standing underneath this waterfall thing - only instead of water, honey was flowing over the edge of the cliff above - a honey-fall, HA! and I was standing under it, and like the whole sky was full of golden honey and the whole world smelled and tasted oh-so-sweet!!! So anyway, what I really want to do is close my eyes and go back to sleep so I can smell and taste some more of that sweet, golden sky. It's hard out there anyway. The spring isn't all it's cracked up to be with people always cutting down my favorite trees and bees always hanging around and getting in my fur and forest fires, you know, the list goes on. This year I think I'm just gonna stay right here in my cave. Going out is over *yawn* rated."
So there he stays.
But try as he might, he can't quite recreate that honey-fall dream he was having. He keeps hearing shouts and laughter from all those teddy bears having picnics outside. The birds keep chirping and the bees keep buzzing, and pretty soon he starts to realize his dream is of venturing back out to see the blue sky and smell the flowers. And how exciting would it be if he could terrorize some of those bastards who are always starting fires in his forest and cutting down his favorite trees?
Yeah, that would be great.
But the cave is still pretty comfy, and it's so bright out there. He's not sure if he remembers how to do all that terrorizing and he's not really sure he remembers how to act at the teddy bear picnics. It's been so long since he's been invited, maybe some things have changed. "What if I'm just not good at it anymore?" he asks himself.
Nevertheless, he thinks maybe he should just sniff out the situation. They're cookin' up something good at that picnic.
If you were a bee in that wildflower meadow on that day, you would see the slightest touch of black emerging from a cave ever-so-slowly and think to yourself, "what the....??"
Blinking in the sunlight, the bear finally pokes his head out of the cave and is amazed at all the hulabaloo around him. It seems like people are having fun (you know, bears, that is) and all the birds are singing and bees are landing on flowers, etc. So much commotion, though, after such a long winter is hardly what he had in mind. He really had wanted to find a soft and quiet spot underneath a tree to enjoy something refreshing and juicy. Maybe he could just tiptoe through the picnic, pick up a snack and then sit over in the corner without being noticed too much. Inching over toward the food table, he heads for the bear equivalent of potato salad when his old friend shows up and starts grilling him (metaphorically) for answers. "Dude, it's been a long time. Where you been? I was starting to think maybe you got locked up or something. Haven't seen you since last fall. You missed some killer parties. You should see the new cubs hanging out around here. You would not believe their....." Our bear has kind of stopped listening and is looking for his exit. He makes a quick excuse about being late for something or other or forgetting to turn off the space heater and quickly heads back toward the cave.
Whoa. That was a LITTLE overwhelming for the first time out of the cave. He really didn't expect to have to answer so many questions and feel so cornered on all sides. Maybe he really isn't ready for this. Maybe he should just try to keep his head down and be a quiet observer for awhile.
*sigh*
Well, we all know how that turns out. After a few weeks, he really starts to think about how much fun he is missing. His friend was just concerned is all, and really, he wouldn't mind seeing what it is that's so special about all the young cubs. Hmmm. Maybe he should just try once more.
The perfect opportunity arises later that week when his buddy comes over to the cave and tells him they're going to have a midnight picnic this time, and "dude, if you miss this party, you will regret it for the rest of your life. There is this one cub, Susie, and she is just the type of girl you've been waiting to meet. So make sure you take a bath or something."
Yeah, he thinks. This could be kinda fun. I know how to do this. It's just like riding a bike. All I have to do is go outside the cave. And talk. Just like thinking - only out loud. Okay. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna go meet Susie.
But there are butterflies in his tummy. No, it's just the clover he ate for lunch. It always gives him indigestion. But still he hasn't done this in awhile. What if he embarrasses himself? Shut up! He's going. How bad could it be? Yeah....how bad could it be? After all, he can't hibernate forever.
Right?
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Inheritance of Loss Part II
I've wanted to write this blog for awhile (since the day after my original post on this topic), and I've put it off for two reasons. 1.) My internet got shut off, and I haven't had a chance to get it restored yet. 2.) I think that my original post reflected what I needed to say at the time, although it wasn't exactly what I wanted to say when I started writing it.
First of all, I didn't exactly exPLAIN what it was that I wasn't going to do in my current blog that I had done in previous blogs and that is write about quotes and songs and stuff that inspires me or touches me in some way. It was sort of a trademark of my other blog, and although it was a helpful tool to get me writing at times, it sort of became a crutch, so I was trying to avoid the practice, but I've decided that hey, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want.
Secondly, what I wrote is true, or WAS true at the time I wrote it. What is equally true is that the passage I included in that post is much more meaningful than I indicated and is about more than just some silly drama between two individuals, although it is about that as well.
On that particular day, the passage burrowed into my heart for the reason I previously stated, but I think that it resonated with me on a deeper level too. There is this "spiritual" element to my life that I've recently been attempting to examine. For a long time, I shunned the whole concept of god, religion, spirituality, and anything having to do with those topics because I had decided that I really didn't believe in any of it. And I still don't - at least not in the "traditional" (read Judeo-Christian) sense.
But I have decided that there is a possibility that I rejected the entire concept too hastily instead of simply modifying my initial idea of - you know - god thing.
I've kind of started to direct my energy at the universe and see what happens. So far, so good. It's not like I'm praying, or maybe I am, but I think I've just been trying to channel my energy in ways that I think are productive and focus my thoughts on those types of things as well - some people have referenced The Secret when I've discussed it with them, but I've never read The Secret nor have I seen the film, so I'm not sure it's the same thing, but regardless, I think it works for me.
But the fact remains that this particular passage from The Inheritance of Loss is still pertinent. There is just too much complexity in this world for things to make sense on a small scale to one person - at least to make sense in our made-up view of how justice works. Justice may actually exist, but the chances that we will be around to see it in action are pretty much nil.
As far as the relationship I referenced goes, I haven't decided to end it. Not really. To a certain extent, I've made the decision not to think about it as a complete entity yet, but I'm not letting that ruin my life either.
For the time being, I'm just hoping it's on hold. Maybe it's just that I can't see the big picture yet. Maybe I'm in denial. But I'm just not ready to make a decision that final.
I've always had this vision in my mind of how relationships work: everyone is born in a little canoe, and we are all floating downstream in our canoes. We may like to think that we are in charge of rowing, but ultimately, the current of the stream is just too strong for us to control. The stream takes us where it will. Sometimes we float alongside someone for a long time and when the river steers us off in a different direction, we may resist it. But the more we resist the current, the more we struggle against it, the weaker we will become and eventually we will not be able to see the path we are meant to be on because all our energy is focused on trying to catch someone else's drift. I think it's very difficult to stay in your canoe facing forward when faced with this situation. It's hard to remember the beauty of the stream itself. If the river decides, the canoes will eventually float back together. Until then all we can do is enjoy it.
First of all, I didn't exactly exPLAIN what it was that I wasn't going to do in my current blog that I had done in previous blogs and that is write about quotes and songs and stuff that inspires me or touches me in some way. It was sort of a trademark of my other blog, and although it was a helpful tool to get me writing at times, it sort of became a crutch, so I was trying to avoid the practice, but I've decided that hey, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want.
Secondly, what I wrote is true, or WAS true at the time I wrote it. What is equally true is that the passage I included in that post is much more meaningful than I indicated and is about more than just some silly drama between two individuals, although it is about that as well.
On that particular day, the passage burrowed into my heart for the reason I previously stated, but I think that it resonated with me on a deeper level too. There is this "spiritual" element to my life that I've recently been attempting to examine. For a long time, I shunned the whole concept of god, religion, spirituality, and anything having to do with those topics because I had decided that I really didn't believe in any of it. And I still don't - at least not in the "traditional" (read Judeo-Christian) sense.
But I have decided that there is a possibility that I rejected the entire concept too hastily instead of simply modifying my initial idea of - you know - god thing.
I've kind of started to direct my energy at the universe and see what happens. So far, so good. It's not like I'm praying, or maybe I am, but I think I've just been trying to channel my energy in ways that I think are productive and focus my thoughts on those types of things as well - some people have referenced The Secret when I've discussed it with them, but I've never read The Secret nor have I seen the film, so I'm not sure it's the same thing, but regardless, I think it works for me.
But the fact remains that this particular passage from The Inheritance of Loss is still pertinent. There is just too much complexity in this world for things to make sense on a small scale to one person - at least to make sense in our made-up view of how justice works. Justice may actually exist, but the chances that we will be around to see it in action are pretty much nil.
As far as the relationship I referenced goes, I haven't decided to end it. Not really. To a certain extent, I've made the decision not to think about it as a complete entity yet, but I'm not letting that ruin my life either.
For the time being, I'm just hoping it's on hold. Maybe it's just that I can't see the big picture yet. Maybe I'm in denial. But I'm just not ready to make a decision that final.
I've always had this vision in my mind of how relationships work: everyone is born in a little canoe, and we are all floating downstream in our canoes. We may like to think that we are in charge of rowing, but ultimately, the current of the stream is just too strong for us to control. The stream takes us where it will. Sometimes we float alongside someone for a long time and when the river steers us off in a different direction, we may resist it. But the more we resist the current, the more we struggle against it, the weaker we will become and eventually we will not be able to see the path we are meant to be on because all our energy is focused on trying to catch someone else's drift. I think it's very difficult to stay in your canoe facing forward when faced with this situation. It's hard to remember the beauty of the stream itself. If the river decides, the canoes will eventually float back together. Until then all we can do is enjoy it.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A Fine, Fine Line
I just got done hurting someone I used to really care about. Part of me still cares.
But there was no choice other than to say "I don't want to talk to you." Because that is the truth. I didn't choose silence. I didn't make up an excuse. I simply said, "I don't want to talk to you."
It sucked.
I surrendered all control over what that person thinks of me now. I could go the rest of my life without ever knowing that this person who was once so important to me became something amazing.
And I chose to shut the door in a very permanent way.
So the joke's on me.
But there was no choice other than to say "I don't want to talk to you." Because that is the truth. I didn't choose silence. I didn't make up an excuse. I simply said, "I don't want to talk to you."
It sucked.
I surrendered all control over what that person thinks of me now. I could go the rest of my life without ever knowing that this person who was once so important to me became something amazing.
And I chose to shut the door in a very permanent way.
So the joke's on me.
The Importance of Being Honest
Please understand that when I say I want the truth, that is what I mean. It isn't so much that I like to hear things about how what you are doing is moving away from me and starting a life that does not include me at all. This isn't the moment I've always been dreaming of.
But if it's the truth, that's all I can handle.
I'm beginning to think that lying is something that people do. On a regular basis. As a way of dealing with things. I'm not mad about it, but it does confuse me quite a lot.
How am I supposed to relate to someone who constantly lies? What am I supposed to say? How to respond when I realize that I am being lied to?
When a person lies to you or distorts reality, he or she creates an uneven playing field. There is an unfair advantage when a person lies, because once the lie is introduced, an alternate reality is also introduced into the situation. What am I supposed to do with this? How is it possible to respond? Should I act on the basis that what I'm being told is the truth, or should I use my critical thinking skills to deduce that what I'm being told is a lie?
If the latter is the case, should I wait until the actual truth has been uncovered or should I simply act as though the initial premise is false?
One way or the other, the situation has become increasingly less simple to handle because I am not aware of what the actual situation that exists in reality is.
It might be ugly.
It might be mean.
It might be frightening.
It probably isn't what you want to hear coming out of your mouth.
Well, too bad.
Just do it.
Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth.
And if you don't know what the truth is, figure it out.
And then tell it.
But if it's the truth, that's all I can handle.
I'm beginning to think that lying is something that people do. On a regular basis. As a way of dealing with things. I'm not mad about it, but it does confuse me quite a lot.
How am I supposed to relate to someone who constantly lies? What am I supposed to say? How to respond when I realize that I am being lied to?
When a person lies to you or distorts reality, he or she creates an uneven playing field. There is an unfair advantage when a person lies, because once the lie is introduced, an alternate reality is also introduced into the situation. What am I supposed to do with this? How is it possible to respond? Should I act on the basis that what I'm being told is the truth, or should I use my critical thinking skills to deduce that what I'm being told is a lie?
If the latter is the case, should I wait until the actual truth has been uncovered or should I simply act as though the initial premise is false?
One way or the other, the situation has become increasingly less simple to handle because I am not aware of what the actual situation that exists in reality is.
It might be ugly.
It might be mean.
It might be frightening.
It probably isn't what you want to hear coming out of your mouth.
Well, too bad.
Just do it.
Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth.
And if you don't know what the truth is, figure it out.
And then tell it.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Me and Dr. Robbins
In writing this post, I am either showing a.) great courage b.) great stupidity or c.) nothing that great at all. So here goes.
My family is mildly obsessed with Tom Robbins. He is a really great writer. Empirically. I admit that there are some people who might not LIKE his stories, might not LIKE what he has to say, might not LIKE his writing style, and probably even more who just don't get it. But when I say he is a great writer, it is not a matter of opinion.
I have read five of his novels, which admittedly does not really cover his whole catalogue, but I do feel that I have a pretty good understanding of what he believes in and what he wants to say, and and even better understanding of how he likes to say it.
Recently (after my quest to get through Anna Karenina), I gave myself a literary break by reading Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. And then I decided to continue on my kick with Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. (yeah, this is my idea of a break).
My sister, Bridget, gave me a copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues as a gift, because it is her favorite one of Tom Robbins' novels. If you haven't read the story, there is not a really good way to describe what it is about, although I will venture to say that if you have the desire to understand life in a simple, beautiful, and humorous way, you might want to read it.
The rereading of Cowgirls this year was a very cathartic experience for me, because even though you may not realize it when you pick up a great book, sometimes there is a rhythm to life that just makes it the perfect thing to be reading right at that moment.
And when I started to read Cowgirls again for the second (definitely not last) time, I had caught a heavy sneeze, and had a lot of birds of sadness nesting in my hair. So as the story of Sissy Hankshaw and Bonanza Jellybean and the whooping cranes (don't forget the Chink!) unfolded before my very eyes again, it was like a very good friend was holding my hand and saying, "hey, Podner, it's alright. You gotta Live the Beauty of Your Own Reality." Which incidentally is pretty much what the book says.
But whenever I get caught in a storm of depression, it's nice to have a good slap in the face that wakes you up like a rifle shot echoing across the Great Wide Open Plains and reminds you that there is magic in the world if you have the bravado to believe in it.
"Ladies, Gentlemen. Shhh. This is the way truth is. You've got to let those strange hands touch you."
And sometimes the truth is really painful. After all "success can eliminate as many options as failture," and in order to really squeeze the puddin' out of life, sometimes it is necessary to really create an art out of failing. You have to fail in the most unimaginable ways. Perhaps in ways that haven't even been invented yet. You may have to be the best failure to ever walk the earth and still not have found what you came here for. Failure and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, and I've come to recognize that some people can spend a lot of time on earth in a state of real contentment. I mean, some people are just really satisfied.
The thought of it actually exhausts me.
Even more than spending weeks on end punching my pillow and crying my eyes out and wandering around in circles in my mind for so long that I've created tracks in my head's living room.
Of course there are moments when I wish that I could stop fighting so hard against all the failures in my life (real and perceived). There are certainly times when I just wish that for ONCE I could succeed at something I really cared about. And of course there are times when I wish that I could care about my successes as much as I care about my failures.
But what's the fun in that?
These are the sorts of internal dialogues you're forced to have if you decide to read Tom Robbins. Or if you are lucky enough to be incarnated as someone who has been termed "the insatiable child." Maybe the two go hand in hand.
So...
For the Gift of a beautiful story that will never leave your side, not for a second, in the deepest moments of despair, a million times and to the end of the world, thank you to my beautiful and intelligent sister, Bridget. She's the girl who had enough bravado to get Bonanza Jellybean tatooed on her belly. Gotta admire that kind of dedication.
I do.
My family is mildly obsessed with Tom Robbins. He is a really great writer. Empirically. I admit that there are some people who might not LIKE his stories, might not LIKE what he has to say, might not LIKE his writing style, and probably even more who just don't get it. But when I say he is a great writer, it is not a matter of opinion.
I have read five of his novels, which admittedly does not really cover his whole catalogue, but I do feel that I have a pretty good understanding of what he believes in and what he wants to say, and and even better understanding of how he likes to say it.
Recently (after my quest to get through Anna Karenina), I gave myself a literary break by reading Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. And then I decided to continue on my kick with Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. (yeah, this is my idea of a break).
My sister, Bridget, gave me a copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues as a gift, because it is her favorite one of Tom Robbins' novels. If you haven't read the story, there is not a really good way to describe what it is about, although I will venture to say that if you have the desire to understand life in a simple, beautiful, and humorous way, you might want to read it.
The rereading of Cowgirls this year was a very cathartic experience for me, because even though you may not realize it when you pick up a great book, sometimes there is a rhythm to life that just makes it the perfect thing to be reading right at that moment.
And when I started to read Cowgirls again for the second (definitely not last) time, I had caught a heavy sneeze, and had a lot of birds of sadness nesting in my hair. So as the story of Sissy Hankshaw and Bonanza Jellybean and the whooping cranes (don't forget the Chink!) unfolded before my very eyes again, it was like a very good friend was holding my hand and saying, "hey, Podner, it's alright. You gotta Live the Beauty of Your Own Reality." Which incidentally is pretty much what the book says.
But whenever I get caught in a storm of depression, it's nice to have a good slap in the face that wakes you up like a rifle shot echoing across the Great Wide Open Plains and reminds you that there is magic in the world if you have the bravado to believe in it.
"Ladies, Gentlemen. Shhh. This is the way truth is. You've got to let those strange hands touch you."
And sometimes the truth is really painful. After all "success can eliminate as many options as failture," and in order to really squeeze the puddin' out of life, sometimes it is necessary to really create an art out of failing. You have to fail in the most unimaginable ways. Perhaps in ways that haven't even been invented yet. You may have to be the best failure to ever walk the earth and still not have found what you came here for. Failure and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, and I've come to recognize that some people can spend a lot of time on earth in a state of real contentment. I mean, some people are just really satisfied.
The thought of it actually exhausts me.
Even more than spending weeks on end punching my pillow and crying my eyes out and wandering around in circles in my mind for so long that I've created tracks in my head's living room.
Of course there are moments when I wish that I could stop fighting so hard against all the failures in my life (real and perceived). There are certainly times when I just wish that for ONCE I could succeed at something I really cared about. And of course there are times when I wish that I could care about my successes as much as I care about my failures.
But what's the fun in that?
These are the sorts of internal dialogues you're forced to have if you decide to read Tom Robbins. Or if you are lucky enough to be incarnated as someone who has been termed "the insatiable child." Maybe the two go hand in hand.
So...
For the Gift of a beautiful story that will never leave your side, not for a second, in the deepest moments of despair, a million times and to the end of the world, thank you to my beautiful and intelligent sister, Bridget. She's the girl who had enough bravado to get Bonanza Jellybean tatooed on her belly. Gotta admire that kind of dedication.
I do.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Dear My Blog
Dear My Blog,
We need to have a talk. I'm not saying that we should chat about the weather, Blog. We need to have a serious heart-to-heart. It's about our relationship. I feel like over the past few months we've grown apart. I am feeling neglected. I think you may be too. And I am sorry for that. You know, we get busy sometimes. We forget to take care of the things that matter. Life gets in the way. But things have come to a point where I cannot ignore the serious lack of communication we are experiencing. Things just haven't been the same since we haven't had the chance to get together and really hash things out. So much has built up over the last few months that I feel like it's now or never if our relationship is going to continue.
Now I'm not saying it's all your fault. I'm definitely willing to accept some responsibility here. It's just that sometimes when I don't call for awhile, you just forget about me. It's almost like I never existed. And I think we are at a turning point in our relationship as well. Some things need to change around here, Blog. When you and I started out, it was all fun and games with the photos and the creativity. But there is some serious business that we need to discuss now, and I think it may be awhile before you and I can really let loose and have a good time again.
But we will get there, I promise.
Until then I'm just glad to have you back in my life. Because without you, I am seriously lost.
Sincerely,
Meghan
We need to have a talk. I'm not saying that we should chat about the weather, Blog. We need to have a serious heart-to-heart. It's about our relationship. I feel like over the past few months we've grown apart. I am feeling neglected. I think you may be too. And I am sorry for that. You know, we get busy sometimes. We forget to take care of the things that matter. Life gets in the way. But things have come to a point where I cannot ignore the serious lack of communication we are experiencing. Things just haven't been the same since we haven't had the chance to get together and really hash things out. So much has built up over the last few months that I feel like it's now or never if our relationship is going to continue.
Now I'm not saying it's all your fault. I'm definitely willing to accept some responsibility here. It's just that sometimes when I don't call for awhile, you just forget about me. It's almost like I never existed. And I think we are at a turning point in our relationship as well. Some things need to change around here, Blog. When you and I started out, it was all fun and games with the photos and the creativity. But there is some serious business that we need to discuss now, and I think it may be awhile before you and I can really let loose and have a good time again.
But we will get there, I promise.
Until then I'm just glad to have you back in my life. Because without you, I am seriously lost.
Sincerely,
Meghan
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